Aesop Rock...

I don't have any idea why I just thought of that. Anyway. I'm already at midterm. Tomorrow is the exam for HIS and I just drank a Pepsi that expired a month ago. That just adds to my hatred towards Pepsi... Those fucks...

Now Playing: People Chatting on Phones @ The Cyber Café

"You Must Have for Every Rain Drop, A Ray of Sun..."

Hey hey! Work proved to be quite fruitful yesterday. Got my first raise since being there and got a pretty good review from my (now absent) manager. 26¢!!! Anyway, I celebrated by oversleeping and missing the first half of my HIS class. Oops.

So, I put up these comment boxes and no one is commenting. It took me months to wait for someone to create a template with it already in there...

My stomach is empty right now and I can feel it trying to eat away at itself. In a way, I feel bad for it, but in another way, I hate it because its a whiny bitch.

*Winces in Pain...*

Shiiiiiiit. Forgot I had a paper due today.

Stayed up til about 4 a.m. doing it. Luckily it was only a 4-pager. So I think I dodged a huge bullet there.

*Note to self: DO NOT STUPID.*

Now Playing: Augury - "Giddyguy"

La Da Da Dee... La Da Da Dum Dum...

Movie time, kids!

Okay, this time we didn't go crazy and watch two flicks. We just Watched Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. Afterwards, Lynn, Angie, Erin, an old friend of ours whom we've not seen since grad (Rachel), and I sat and talked for a couple hours. Good, relaxin' times. It's always good to make people laugh. Since what I thought was many of my reasons for being on this Earth have slowly been slipping away, one that has stayed constant is the ability to make people laugh. It's a wonderful feeling to know that you have that power. I don't know, I guess it's just a quality I'm glad I still know I posess.

Anyway... The Taste of Chicago has already started!!! Last year, I sampled Aligator and a drumstick of turkey which seemed as large as Turkey itself. I'm afraid this year is going to pass us by!!! Angie is already a no-show for she will be in NJ the next week or so.

No awkwardness between Erin and I. That was a plus. I'm not sure, but I think I caught people glancing in my direction when Erin spoke... Who knows? It may have just been my captivating good looks.

Anyway, it was good to get the gang back together as well as see Rachel again. In all honestly, shes a perfect fit for a group like ours. Great gal.

Now Playing: Clinic - "Distortions"

Thank You Jessica P...

It's always nice to hear comforting words from someone you used to scrape gum off the auditorium floor with... Thanks for your words, Jessica. Keep the "strokers" attitude alive when you go to college.

Now Playing: Stephen Andrew Taylor - "Pulse Aria"

EVER-Y-BODY GET DOWN. UH-HUH, GET DOWN.

Spent a few hours at a party for an old-friend-from-highschool's birthday. As always, I along with one other person (possibly two, but the jury is still out on that one) were the only ones sober. I migled. I socialized (as much as possible with most attention spans there). I came. I saw (some asian girl get completely plastered and fall over mid-stride, and then get totally felt up by a group of drunk guys). I left.

I ran into like half of my high school there, of course. Which was a little awkward because I had to answer the same two questions to everyone.

"Mike Stan?! What are you doing here?"
&
"So where's Erin?"

The latter of the two q's always ended up in me explaining what happened between Erin and I to someone who couldn't understand what I was saying in the first place. A girl that went to grade school with Erin (and dated a friend of mine from hs) was the first to ask about Erin. (Shit, I was surprised she knew who I was) I litterally had to leave the room afterwards. Later, I guess I just got used to it and basically shut off any emotional response that would have been there when asked before.

The most unbelievably adorable friend of mine, who is one of the most sweetest girls on this planet... was insanely drunk. The last 10 or 20 mins of the time that I was there was spent sitting arm-in-arm with her on a couch listening to a couple of my friends talk. Now, listen. She was really drunk. She was flopping all over the place and whispering in my ear how she didn't like a really good friend of both of ours during high school when the friend in question was sitting next to us and was one of the few sober ones as well. Nonetheless, it honestly felt good to have so much physical contact with someone. Something I have not had in like a year or so. It was terrible seeing this epitemy of "cuteness" drunk out of her mind, but it was still wonderful to feel someone next to me. And I don't mean this in the same way those guys who felt up the passed-out chick do.

Anyway, like I said... I came. I saw. I was told that I looked really thin. I left.

Now Playing: Ratatat - "Desert Eagle"

Fell Asleep in the Recliner...

And, shit, does my back hurt.

Anyway. I had a dream last night about this unbelievably adorable girl I work with. We were both closing the store late and we struck up a conversation containing a few laughs. Well, she ended up writing her phone number down, but I refused to take it. Then I was rudely awakened by the phone ringing.

There is a scene in "Amélie" where Audrey Tautou takes the hand of the blind man and leads him on a whirlwind audio tour of the street market. She describes everything in vivid detail. "The band-leader's widow is crossing the street, and she hasn't thrown out his unifrom yet... A man is staring at the dog who is staring at the chickens..." The scene goes by so fast that it gives off the feeling of a child in a huge toy store for the first time as he runs through the aisles gazing at shelf after shelf of toys. Once Amélie lets go of his hand, the man is standing there in his own elation. The smile on his face was enough to put tears in the eyes.

I wish that feeling hadn't left me. There are times when I'll lay down to bed, but I try not to fall asleep because there are thoughts in my head that wish not to wake up. The fact that the mind is a pretty powerful thing scares me. I'm afraid it may happen. Am I happy when I wake up in the morning? Absolutely not. Have I thought about not living anymore? More than anything... But I am not sure if I really want to die yet. Which explains the fear of sleeping all of a sudden.

Nonetheless. I have so many things on my mind (at the top of which is Erin, ofcourse), and the fact that (I don't know how many times I am going to say this) I was cast aside by Erin in the short time she was away is one of the reasons that my brain tells me not to wake up. Everything I do, every laugh I have, everyone I come into contact with... It all leads back to how much pain she is causing me. Did she know this? I mean, did it ever even cross her mind when she was staring googly-eyed at some insignificant fucking guy that I might be hurt? All I can say is that she never gave me a chance and she (for the first time since I've known her) is being a typical fucking girl. Jesus Fucking Christ it hurts to think about her. And yet its occupying so much of my thought that sometimes I don't want to wake up.

Fuck. And she complained when I put some songs from one of her mixes on a mix for someone else. Think how much of me she's going to giving other guys soon... Erin, I don't want to cry anymore... I just want to sleep... And not wake up...

Now Playing: Sufjan Stevens - "Seven Swans"

Making the World's Most Deceptive Smiles for Six Months Now...

Wow. This was the worst day ever.

I - was reassured of the fact that I am worthless to everyone and everything
- enjoyed a wonderfully relaxing time watching T.V. on the couch with Erin only to have it be destroyed by her asking how long it would take for me to stop thinking of her as a girlfriend
- got physically sick to the sound of her telling me she has a "crush" on someone
- wanted to cause a fatal car crash, but stopped for insurance reasons concerning my parents having to cough up money on my behalf
- realized that everything I've worked so hard to secure for myself in the last four years is now bullshit
- realized that I have no one to turn to
- went to work
- left work early because I was too sick to even stand (having to do with many things on my mind, I suppose)
- got written up for doing so
- got home and watched the Cubs come back from a large deficit only to lose the lead and end up breaking my heart

and...

I am now terribly tempted to burn everything I own that has anything to do with Erin, highschool, past friends, and basically my entire life up until this point...

About Erin's little "crush"... She was showing me pictures of her social activities during the past school year and came upon a picture of her with some guy in the background at a winter formal dance. She told me that she had a crush on this guy... I know she doesn't care for me anymore... but this was in February... Less than a month after we split up... You can imagine the feeling of whatever tiny shreds self-worth I had left just slipping away...

I mean... What am I supposed to do? What have I done to deserve this treatment from my friends and the people I thought loved and needed me? Is there a tattoo with the word "Sucker" on my forehead, or what? I'm a fucking sad sap who keeps coming back for more.

Well, I'm fucking sick and tired of being so fucking accomadating to everyone... Especially Erin. I'm becoming sick to the sights and sounds of what I thought was a great life I was putting together... I'm fucking sick of this. I'm fucking sick of going home in tears every fucking night... I can only hit my steering wheel so many times before it breaks off and I chuck it at Erin's door screaming:

"THIS IS YOUR FUCKING LOSS. HAVE A NICE LIFE."

Now Playing: The Walkmen - "What's In It For Me?"

Movie Time...

Went over to Angie's house tonite and watched "Shaolin Soccer" and "Sliding Doors"... Yes, it was basically a girls' night in, but hey, I loved it. (Besides, it was girls' night in WITH SHAOLIN SOCCER!) Had a great time and I told Angie I'd post about it here. So I am, and it was good.

Listening to assorted DeBussy, Mozart, Beethoven, etc. etc. on the way home was a pleasure I often treat myself to when driving at night. The sound of a piano played against the backdrop of an empty street coming at me is extremely peaceful.

In other, yet somewhat related, news... I jotted down a little short story last nite... A little short story that took me four and a half hours and 7 pages to write. It was awesome if I do say so myself. It's a story meant for Erin, but not as a ploy or anything like that, mearly a message to let her know that she inspires me and makes me happy no matter what. I kinda hope she doesn't take it the wrong way, but then again, maybe my brain isn't telling me the right way to take it... I don't know. All I can say is that I really enjoyed writing it and I know Erin would appreciate that, even if she doesn't appreciate the story itself (which I would completely understand, BTW). My dilemma is whether or not I should give it to her. Well, not really, I'm going to give it to her. It's just that it is kind of written in (for lack of a better term) "boyfriend mode". Is that understandable? Not that the point of view of the story is in some fantastical land where we're still together or anything, but more like a place where we understand our situation, but still have feelings for eachother that we don't know how to sort out. I think its pretty close to reality, but I added a bit of fantasy-based imagery, and a twist of erotica...

Now... Who wouldn't like that?

Now Playing: Stereolab - "Cybele's Reverie"

*Insert Meow-Mix Theme Song here...*

Thats right blogmates, I got my car back. It feels like a brand new 13-year old car again...

Anyway, I have naught to talk about other than I chatted it up with Mariko for the first time since graduation the other day, the Cubs swept the Houstons, and I started summer courses on monday. Holy shit, I have a lot of writing to do this summer. Is it worth it to get out of Oakton a little faster?...

YES.

Considering my summer is already guarenteed to be a huuuuuge faliure, I think filling it with writing about history will sompensate a bit. I mean, I don't have any friends to consistantly hang around with. Y'know what... I take that back. I hang out just the same as I did in highschool. Whats missing is Erin. Is she a punisher, or what? What am I being punished for? Same thing as always. Being naive. I open the gates to everyone, and let 'em do whatever the hell they want when they get in. And y'know what? I'm not gonna change. I figure, yeah, I have no true friends now, but I still have that slim chance that someone will treat me the way I deserve. Whereas if I changed into a person who doesn't let anyone in, yeah, I'll never get hurt, but I won't be any happier.

Erin is in Ireland right now. I've heard the bullshit line about caring and love so many goddamn times from so many goddamn people lately, that its as common as "Hi, whats up?" In my head, I just continue to replace it with, "I love you. I care for you. Don't expect to hear from me anytime soon." Because thats what everybody is saying.

I watched one scene from this bullshit Katie Holmes movie today. "Abandon" I think it is? Anyway, when she meets this guy for the first time, they sit in his room (she is only a little freshman or something and he is an older, very confident and very typical college guy) and he goes through her notebooks and says very arogantly "You're a virgin. Nobody this organized has time for sex." The next shot is him throwing her books out the window (ooooh, deep symbolism and foreshadow here.), saying some cheesy ass, rebelious equivilent to a pick-up line, and then they proceed to fuck...

Oh, I'm sorry, this is EVERY FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT COLLEGE.

You can't change who you are... Unless you go away to college, I guess...

Now Playing: The Walkmen - "Hang on Siobhan"

One More Thing...

Good news, houseplants...

Mike, due to his incessent greediness when it comes to good grades now that he is in college (yeah, right), has been awarded his first of possibly three scholarships. $1,500 was given to me for getting straight a's this past semester. This could possibly be the car money I need. Whether that is for a new used one, or to repair the one I am currently in love with, I don't know. Either way, it will give me a car for a couple years.

Money Oakton Still Has to Give Mike:

The money I am owed for being on the baseball team (Compensation for being the only fuck who was paying full tuition on the team)
Refund of a huge chunk of last years tuition due to many financial aid fuck-ups.

Thanks, Oakton! *Huge sarcastic smile from the '50's*... you fucks...

Now Playing: The Postal Service - "We Will Become Silhouettes"

Aiding Insomnia...

"Goodevening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Cubs radio netork... It's a beautiful day for baseball here in sunny southern California..."

A special thanks goes out to the Cubs today for whomping on Bartolo "Ex-Sock" Colon. They made the 3 and a half hour ordeal (starting at 9 p.m. CT) worth while. $30,000 donated to help fund the research for prostate cancer for every Cubs' homerun and they hit three of 'em tonight. $90,000 well-spent.

Speaking of money well-spent... Finally got my Short Circuit poster today. Its creased AS FUCK! That I'm not happy about, but it is still a wonderful addition to my collection...

Anyway, I think I've come to a realization (a.k.a. - rationalization) about Erin and I... Now, I know that a lot of changes have come over her the last 10 months or so, but I still think she is like me at heart, where in order for her to enjoy any kind of... "physical interaction" with another guy, she'd have to be emotionally involved with him. If she is still like me in that department, then there is no way she'd get physically involved with someone else like that because there'd be no pleasure to it. It wouldn't mean anything. (Now like I said, this is more than likely a mojor rationalization...) So, if my assumptions are correct, if she ever does feel that she wants to get involved with a guy again, it would be me... Because, frankly, we are perfect. Now some may say that if we were perfect, then we'd still be together. Don't think I haven't lost plenty of sleep over that notion. It bothers me, too. However, I honestly think that any relationship she has outside me would be so unbelieveably insignificant compared to us that I am hoping she will realize it, and not feel the need to find anything out. In my very humble (and very biased/jaded/possibly egocentric/absolutely moronic) opinion, her future is right in front of her.

I will continue to believe that our separation is mearly due to her not wanting to deal with her own feelings of inadequecy as far as attentions to me are concerned. I have decided not to tell her it doesn't matter to me, because (like many of you can plainly see) if it matters to her, then it sure as hell matters to me. I will give her space in that respect. But what continues to eat me from the inside is the thought of us being completely... over.

I have found it impossible (obviously) to sleep when there is something looming over my head. It doesn't matter what, because it could be as serious as slitting my wrists or as simple as what the recipt-paper that came with the purchase of razor blades felt like in between my fingers... It doesn't matter what's in there. (Wow, just realized that could be taken in two ways. Not the point.) Anyhow, I've decided I'm gonna take up meditation to clear my mind from now on. This has to help my sleeping habits. I don't want to run away from my problems (because then I would have nothing to complain about), I just want them to take a seat in the waiting room while I'm sleeping.

It is now 2:05 in the a.m. and I am about to start another session of writing my novel; "Yesterday's Faith". This is something that I have been periodically adding to, then taking away from for the past 2 years now. Trust me, it will be a novel someday. It is extremely good and has plenty of potential left, but I have had no environment to write in... EVER. Anyway, the book is the story told from the perspective of an ex-soldier that stumbles upon a post-apocalyptic Chicago only to collapse on the tattered steps of the Drake Hotel and realize there are less than a couple hundred people left in the entire city. I have been able to describe the settings well, develop the main character well and start the plot with a bang, but the supporting characters are one-sided and the story isn't developing well right now. Now, I have had so many projects like this and given up simply because the problems were more abundant than the positives. This book is different in that the potential is THAT good.

Long story short... I'm taking my once-suicidal tendencies out on the ominous foe of the half-blank page. A foe I know well. Almost as well as I thought I knew Erin. I think we all know which one I hope turns out better in the end...

Now Playing: Chirs Isaak - "Wicked Game"

RIP: TOYOTA CAMRY...

Well, all I wanted was an oil change... Just get rid of my old oil... Replace it with some new oil... MOTHER FUCKING CAR FELL APART!

Yeah, I was given a shopping list of problems that have come up within the last two months or so. I take my car regularly to this guy and he's a good guy, too. So, I do trust him, but I mean I've kept my car in good condition since I got it about a year ago and now this shit happens!

LIST

Front breaks are gone.
Back breaks have a week left.
Two different leaks in the engine.
- Carborator
- Power steering Pump
Needs two new tires for suspension.
Needs antifreeze.
Needs new ignition wiring (due to the wires sitting in oil for an extended period of time).
Needs new trunk lock (as well as the labor to cut out the old, jammed one.)

Anyway... you get the picture. Now, I bring my car in regularly, so this all couldn't have just sprung about recently. This is the reason for the second opinion. All in all:

RIP - TOYOTA CAMRY. THANK YOU. YOU DROVE ME AROUND WELL.

Now Playing: The Replacements (How ironic) - "Here Comes A Regular"

Wishing I Hadn't Awaited the Arrivals soooo.... Nevermind.

Yeah, Erin came home yesterday. I was at work. She tells me she's going to Ireland tomorrow. So today was the day to see her. She wanted to get a book or two from the library to read on her (hopefully uneventful) trip. Oh yeah, I was her ride and the library was IN EVANSTON... Oh well.

Finally got around to telling her how badly she fucked me over and how she added to the "temporarily ruining my life" group. She took it rather well and all was ok. She cried, I let out a tear or two, I expected no less from either of us. It was unbelieveably awkward for me and not her. Not for her because she's used to not wanting to be in contact with me at every waking moment... Not a two way street, guys... Anyway, things I guess will work themselves out, and I told her that even though she has been a large contributer to the downward spiral of my life right now, I will eventually be ok. And that if she wanted to have anything to do with me (I left the specifics of that term up to her), I would leave it up to her. So basically its all in her court now. I just hope she doesn't lose sight of the goal.

Talked to Sam last nite and she told me that Mariko had been meaning to call me lately. Whether or not this was true, it didn't matter. I nearly shit myself with joy to hear that Mariko and Sam and Matt even remembered who I was.

Still waiting for my FUCKING POSTER, GODDAMNIT!

Now Playing: The Beatles - "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

Awaiting Many Arrivals...

Well, Erin comes home in the next couple days (depending on when her mother goes out to get her), and I am still running scenarios in my mind at an incomprehensible (much like my spelling "skillz") rate. I had a concersation with Steve Martin today... Yes, Steve Martin.

Doc Brown: "The actor?!"

No, friend from highschool who I have not heard from in a long time. He dropped by today and I gave him the tour of our newly remodeled home and then we played frisbee outside. He asked plenty of questions about Erin and I, but sadly, I don't honestly think he was listening. He always has had a short attention span. The answers I gave him were more for myself than for him. And I didn't like the fact that I had no answers to give. I relyed mostly on my hopes that we will get back together... Sad...

Anyway, yeah... Still waiting for that fucking Short Circuit poster to come in. I sent the check in almost three weeks ago, goddamnit.

Now Playing: Pizzicato Five - "Baby Love Child"

A New Dwelling...

New room: New walls. New paint. New closet. New Furniture. New T.V. (hopefully soon). Not to mention I am a totally different person since we began talking of the whole remodeling project... Total insanity is what may be in store for me in the new pad. Yeah, all in all, I'll be back up there sometime this week.

Got my grades finally... STRAIGHT A's!!! Yeah... Just call me BarryZitoMarkMulderTimHudsonRichHarden.

Signed up for two summer classes that start the 14th. History and Humanities. The HIS class is Western Civilization since 1650 and the HUM class is Western Culture & the Arts: Beginnings through the Middle Ages. 7 week courses. I'll be at the Skokie campus from 9:45 a.m. to 1 p.m. Hopefully I'll be going to Erin's a lot after classes. Was recomended (and invited) by the staff @ Oakton to enroll in the honors program. Instead of 3 or 4 credit hrs. per class, SIX CREDIT HRS!!! So... um... yeah, it's gonna happen in the fall.

Speaking of Erin and how my life has changed so much since January... She's comin' in on monday or tuesday... All I can say really... is "eek". How is this gonna' end? Shit, how is this gonna' begin??!! My hope/feelings for her combined with her unclear intentions/feelings are leaving me with no other choice but to stand in a corner and watch myself for a while... Take a step back before each hug or peck on the cheek for fear that I'll love it too much all over again...

Okay, sorry for that little dose of prose right there. What I think I'm trying to say is that I saw "Attack of the CLONES" on the tele earlier and was reminded of all the horrible, terrible, awful things in the world today...

Now Playing: Bruce Springsteen - "My Father's House"

Best Game... EVER...

So, yeah... FFVII is still the greatest game ever. I now realize this because I have been playing it for over 15 hrs. now and have yet to get bored. The last time I played it, I had to stop after about 10 hrs. because I was stuck and scared... Mostly scared.

Now Playing: Madvillain - "Raid"

Smells a Little Painty...

Ah, thank you to the Brad Nierman I knew so long ago...

Anyway, painted the two "window-walls" in my bedroom "Bear Rug Brown" today and will complete the job with a second coat tomorrow (possibly needing a third... DAMN DARK COLORS). After that, I will paint the rest of the room's walls "Pine Green", thereby completing my dark, forrest effect.

I chose these colors because out my window is my back yeard with nothing but wood, trees, and grass. I thought I could use that and make the room flow with the outdoors in a way that may end up working solely in my mind. I'm an earth-tone lookin' guy with a passion for the colors of the forrest. Not to mention I think I am an Autumn (according to Erin). Anybody know if an Autumn and a Spring can create true happiness, BTW?

Now Playing: Franz Ferdinand - "Auf Achse"