Take that Hammer... Take it on the face.

I take a lot of shit from a lot of people. I am not perfect. I know my flaws. I know when I am doing things wrong. However, when people maliciously rip into me over things I am not even aware of (nor sure even exist) I am taken aback. In a meeting with my boss today, I felt as though my chair was raised to at least 1,000 feet. My arms were 20 yards long and I had to hold my surprised laughter from leaking out. I was being bombarded with a laundry list of things that I have been doing wrong in just one month on the job.

I have been threatened, taken advantage of and dicked around ever since I got to this job. I am told to that when someone says something, to do it without asking questions. Okay. That is fine. I do that. Being an obedient slave is not enough. I know that. I have to look and act the part as well. I wanted to do this job. I made damn sure of that before taking the position. However, I did not sign up to be personally attacked and professionally molested.

I cannot help but feel as though everything happening to me this past month has been nothing but a long, sick, twisted joke. Some one is sitting somewhere watching my every move and asking themselves... "How does it get worse for him? Do that."

I DO NOT LIKE TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. THIS IS THE TRAIT OF A WEAK LOSER.

That said, you now know how asininely difficult it is for me to complain about what some sexist woman has to say while on a power trip. But I mean when someone attacks what I believe is my most endearing personal trait, something that I believe I am inherently good at, something that I actually take pride in? I can only take so much.

I have already been told (in not so many words) that they do not want me around. How do they expect me to finish this semester in a professional manner as their trained monkey when I know they have neither confidence nor trust in me. I am in a shitty place right now in all academic regards what with my incompetent adviser and money-grubbing financial aid people and a transcript department that lets documents slip through the cracks that I do not need the one place I am supposed to have some type of authority taken away from me. Scratch that. They aren't just taking it away. They are taking it away and expecting me to continue to come in while doing their little puppet dance.

I am so sick of everything right now. And this makes me hurt because the things in life I enjoy can do nothing but know this is not their fault.

Now Playing: James Blackshaw - "O True Believers"

I've Been Outside, and the World has NOT Ended...

So the 2007 Chicago Cubs, the team I have obsessed over more or less for the better part of 23 years, have clinched the National League Central Division. They are the first team in Central Division history to go from worst to first since it's inception in 1995. The season started out in an odd fashion. We were no longer relying on the oft-hurt right arms of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. The days of Sosa had come to a conclusion with his signing on with another team after a year of retirement and many 'return-to-the-Cubs' rumors quelled. We hired many people who had no idea what the Cubs' lore was all about (Mark DeRosa, Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Lou Pinella, Alan Trammel, etc...). Needless to say, this season opened in a way that felt a bit unattatched to me.

I was unsure as to where my feelings lay with this new direction. I wanted nothing more than for them to win, right? Yes. However, at the same time, there is a sense of nostalgia when I think of all those inept teams I loved and hated to love. First I think of '98. A baby-faced Kerry 'Kid K' Wood throwing bullets, a grizzled Gary Gaetti, Mark Grace looking like a guy that chain smokes next to me at the local bar. The one game playoff vs. future manager Dusty Baker. That team was the team of destiny. Next I think back to '03. No need for recaps here, just that they were also supposed to quell this curse thing. Team of 'Dustiny.' Wood and Prior having career seasons (we didn't think of them as 'career' because we though there would be many more for them...), role players coming through in the clutch. We were unstopable...

They lost too. What's worse, they gave us a real taste of winning... and then took it away as we about to eat it all up. I was one of the few people who blamed Mark Guthrie and Dave Veres rather than some future folk lore villain named 'Bartman.' Again, the fact is that this team wasn't built to win, but they did because they had something inside them pushing them to play better than the other nine on the field against them.

2004. Freshman/Sophomore in college. I played collegiate baseball and that took a back seat to this team that was absolutely stacked. Built to win. Greg Maddux came back - not a coincidence I thought. Sosa, Alou, Ramirez, Lee, Barret... This team was PICKED to win the World Series. The CUBS were unanimously picked to WIN. THE WORLD SERIES. They technically had the best season I've ever been a part of. 89 wins. Record homeruns. Record strikeouts for the pitching... 3rd place. Distant. A hideous collapse down the stretch. Losing 7 of last 8 games to allow the Cardinals to reach the Series only to be brushed aside by the Red Sox... THE RED SOX.

It would have been nice to see that series. Cubs vs. Red Sox. What a story. Both teams within pitches of the Series the previous year out for redemption. No Bartman here to blame. We plain gave the year away. I thought that was it. I had decided to let go of the obsession. It was killing me. I couldn't take the heartbreak. I dealt with enough of that in my personal life, I didn't need my team doing the same year after year in what seemed like one big cosmic joke. Despite the fact that the joke is that we all attatch ourselves like this to one sport or another, we still do it. The next spring training? I was back. I didn't live up to my new year's resolution much past February 14th (pitchers and catchers report in Mesa, AZ). I was weak and they made me weaker with back to back futile seasons that drove a good manager out of town and drove the best fans in the world to boo their team on a daily basis.

But they did this to us. They gave us a taste in 2003 and much of 2004 but never followed through. They were that kinda cute girl that would put out just enough for you to keep coming back in hopes that the next time would be better only to realize that you weren't getting any more but you were slowly falling in love with her. I've been in love with this team longer than I can remember and now that once again, they are just a day away from begining a march towards a destination unseen in this part of town for over 60 years, I am torn. This is not the team I fell in love with. This is not the type of team I remember blogging about years ago. I barely know this team (in relation to the length of time I've been a Cubs fan). This may be why I am more of a fan of this team than any other in my past...

This team has real starting pitching depth. Not on paper. Not on the DL. On the mound. They won when no one was hitting home runs. They won when they were hitting home runs. They began the regular season in a disappointing mess and ended it panicy flash of glory. They have never looked perfect and they have never looked like the $300 million that was spent on them. This is why I am a fan now more than ever. The money came through in wins, not stats. The scrappyness of Ryan Theriot and Jason Kendall bled over into the superstars this team wanted so bad to rely on but rarely did. This team is exactly that; a team. Why am I a fan of this one more than any other? Because I don't recognize them. I don't recognize their style of play, and I certainly don't recognize the direction they're headed...

Alfonso Soriano will step up to the plate at exactly 9:07 p.m. CT Wednesday in Game 1 of the NLDS between the Chicago Cubs and the Arizona Diamondbacks and once that first pitch is recorded in the books, I (and countless Chicagoans) will let out a syncronized sigh of relief. We will do this because we'll know that the real journey has finally begun.

Since I don't know this team, all I can do now is sit back and enjoy the ride...

Now Playing: "Echos Myron" - Guided By Voices