You Try to Tell Yourself Theres More, that its Over...

Walking into class late tonight, I missed a very disturbing bit of info... A guy in my class was murdered over the break.

I just talked to this guy... Granted, I didn't know him very well, just that he was not a very diligent student, but an overall good guy with a great sense of humor, but just hearing how fragile everything is put me in a mood I can't honestly describe. Its like reaching out for something you know is there and grasping nothing. You just know that its not going to affect you much, but you also know that it will also remind you that everything you are going to do in the near future just doesn't matter...

Needless to say, I feel awful for Joe's family and friends and I hope they can take some sort of solace in the fact that all I know of him is that he brought a few smiles to my face in the brief time I knew him...

Not that anything else matters at this moment, but I just need to say that no matter what I do, I still cannot seem to find a way to stop my mind from drifting into romance when I think of Erin... My god, its been two years since what she did, and I still cannot in all honesty forgive her nor can I forget about her for that matter...

I have moved on in every aspect of my life but I just can't rid myself of these undying feelings. I have not been a part of her life one iota these past three months (which is exactly what I wanted for her), and yet here I am staring at pictures of her in Spain and thinking of what we're missing...

The really sad part? There's only one of us who's actually missing anything and let me tell you... It ain't her...

ALSO... I finally have been able to sign up for classes thanks to my guardian angel, Cari. I'll be taking 18 hours next semester, everyone. So if you have anything terribly important to do or say to me... You have until January 23rd...

WRITING FOR TELEVISION - Monday - 9 - 11.50 am
SCREENWRITING I - Monday - 2 - 4.50 pm
PRODUCTION I - Wednesday - 6 - 8.50 pm & Saturday - 11 am - 4 pm
SCRIPT ANALYSIS - Thursday - 10 am - 12.50 pm
AESTHETICS OF CINEMA - Friday - 9.30 am - 12.50 pm

I am sooooo screwed...

Now Playing: The Postal Service - "Nothing Better"

I Want the Last Two Hours of my Life Back...

I can't believe I sat through that entire pap-smear of a movie: "Starship Troopers." It was on TBS after Molly, Steve, Monica, Derrick and Bre left and I had no intention on conjuring up enough images to fill a five minute silent film treatment. It is now 3.23 am and I am pissed that I let a perfectly good night's sleep go by the wayside...

...

"Go by the wayside..." What a cool phrase... I'll have to use this some more...

So anyway, my eyebrows have never gotten a better workout then they did tonight after being utterly confused by text messages. Suffice to say, my face hurts...

Now Playing: Spoon - "My Mathematical Mind"

High School Kissed Me...

I love this song...

Now Playing: Interpol - "Leif Erikson"

Shaky Feelings Quelched by Awesome Time and Prince...

So I had a little shindig on friday night... And since I am too fucking lazy to write all about it again, I'll jst copy the email I sent to my brother about it and say that Alisa is so adorable, Vicky Chan is awesome, and Mariko... is like we never left...

It was pretty awesome. I was afraid of people leaving the house all like "Nice party, Mike" and then turning to their friends and raising eyebrows/rolling eyes, but it turned out pretty great. There is a really good drink that Derrick made where it was like 10 2 liters each of sierra mist and hawiian punch and a couple bottles of (I think) vodka *Note from MikeStan - This turned out to be first Everclear, then vodka*. So yeah, I had this great playlist going in winamp of stuff like Cee-Lo, Tribe Called Quest, ratatat, deathcab, dizze rascal, go! team, prince, new pornographers, dj shadow, starflyer, spoon, shins, 12rods, etc... and I had the visualization program running on fullscreen on clockwork and cube and it was awesome.

OMG BLASZCZYK IS A FUCKING LIGHTWEIGHT. He had like one drink and he started to complain his pants were too tight, so he demanded he needed one of my fat-ass pairs.

People had a great time and I saw a few people I haven't seem since hs. My old best friend, Mariko showed up with a couple people and we hugged forever, it was great to see her and Matt (my friend/her bf she started dating around the time Erin and I started dating) and some other people.

Anyway, it was great until everybody left. It was just me, Derrick, two guys you dont know, Molly and Steve... Well, Derrick and I had, by far, the most to drink, and yet we were the only ones who weren't vomitting all over the place. Steve was on the couch and then he just turned over and spewed it all over the floor by the computer. He claims the reason it went in a line from the computer/couch to the stairs was because he thought the floor was "slanty," but in reality he got up and dragged it with him. I got downstairs after cleaning up my friend who was destroying the pink bathrooom and saw Derrick with a mop cleaning the whole floor. Steve had moved to another couch and was sleeping peacfully (I was surprised he didn't just up and spoon with my friend Matt from work because he gets like that when he drinks - also a lightweight). So yeah, Derrick assured me he would get everything cleaned up (and he did). Molly took care of my friend in the bathroom and cleaned that up and we helped her into my bed. They were awesome, Matt. I have some great friends right now. I mean, a lot of people would have just up and left or just crashed and left in the morning.

Despite all the bad shit that happened with a few people getting sick, it just reminded me how cool these people are in the aftermath with their help. Anyway, I crashed with Molly in mom and dad's room and woke up to Molly giving us all glasses of water. It was a good time, Matt.

You would've enjoyed it.

Then yesterday, Derrick showed up at the door with all the replacement liquor and a bunch of food for us. We sat and talked for a couple hours and then I went to Robby's birthday party. That kid fucking rocks.

- Mike

Now Playing: 12RODS - "The Stupidest Boy"

The Rose and the Rapier...

Upset at being bored at my house on saturday night (I MEAN WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT?! he says while contemplating his own sarcasm...), Molly and Monica left to get hot black coffee and all they got was a hot black man. Two points for the M's for that.

This left Steve, Jeff, myself and Mr. Jeffers (aka - the newly engaged Matt Blaszczyk) to play X-Box all night long. We played a tennis game until Matt left and was replaced by Derrick. Then we played Star Wars until Derrick left and Jeff fell asleep at which point we played some intense rounds of Halo 2.

...

Why do I actually say all this and not just "we played games?"

Because my dreams consisted of Steve and me playing doubles tennis against Mark Hamil with lasers while trying to avoid rockets being fired at us from 4 miles away...

The next day was Bears and homework... I wanted the entire weekend to be homework, but I was trying to procrastinate. During my treatment for D&P, I told Molly she could call me if she needed a break from her paper... AND BY PAPER, I MEAN "LYING TO MIKE AND NOT DOING HER PAPER." She called and said she was taking a break and that I should let her in. I'm all like "You're at the door?"

I went upstairs and heard her talking to someone who I immediately figured was Monica. Those conniving little sluts!

Homework needed to be done all around and they were wasting their time with me!

...

^_^ - Can't stay mad... They brought me a rose!

Now Playing: Mogwai - "Tracy"

New Good Things...

Went to reckless yesterday and Rolling Stone about a week back. Here's some good stuff.

The Crystal Method - "Vegas"
Peter Gabriel - "Hit"
My Bloody Valentine - "Loveless"
Iron & Wine - "The Creek Drank the Cradle"

Now Playing: "The Fifth Element"

Oh yeah...

So, I am not normally near Michigan & Harrison on tuesdays, but I needed this dumb fuck of a book for my I'M-NOT-NEARLY-INTO-HUMAN-RIGHTS-ENOUGH-AND-I-FEEL-
NOT-TOO-GREAT-ABOUT-IT class, so I had to get off the red line @ Harrison on my way home from my HIS of Cinema class. On the way, there is a place called Chicago Carry-Out, a place where I see a lot of Columbia folk eating and hanging out. Well, this was the first time I've ever been around there on a teusday, and as I'm walking very quickly, who do I see out of the corner of my eye??? LYDIA FUCKING ZAJAC. Gorgeous as ever (although she and Nicole are probably the only girls I've ever thought looked better as a blonde), sitting there talking with a friend! I totally am thrown off by this and open-mouth gape at her through the glass... AS I'M STILL WALKING LIKE A MAN ON FIRE. So she looks up because there is a creepy guy burning holes in her face through the window and immediately recognizes me and we both start laughing! I, for some reason (probably because I was in a hurry to get my book before the book store closed), didn't even flinch and kept on walking.

Well, on the return trip, I was kinda expecting her to still be there, so I got all cool about it and as I walked by again (I knew she'd probably be expecting me to come back), we shared another laugh, only this time I actually had the presence of mind to wave and give a "Hope-to-see-you-around-because-I'm-not-stopping" look.

Anyway... You should have felt what I was feeling when this whole ordeal went on. Man, it was like I was a sophomore (pre-Erin, ofcourse) again! I felt like I was walking past her lunch table on my way to tell Mariko what a creepy scaredy cat I was for not having the balls to just talk to the girl! It was a glorious feelin, lemme tell you. I got the works, man... Sweaty palms, faster pulse, hair standing on end... Whew!

...

Then I remembered that this was the exact reason dating her was soooo much less fun than pursuing her. I never, in my life, have been part of a chase like hers. I had this insatiable crush on her like you wouldn't believe and the act of pursuing her was so... consuming... in all aspects... It was the kind of thing that made a kid feel alive... And I got that again today...

This was also most likely the reason I didn't stop to talk to her. I wanted this feeling to last as long as possible. If I went in there to say "hi," I would've left all disappointed like when we broke up almost 5 years ago. She really wasn't exactly my type nor were either of us very compatible, so dating her wasn't nearly as fun as wooing her.

But, man, that feeling of excitement came rushing back to me like I haven't felt in... too long...

Now Playing: ...Nothing

Four Years, man!

It has been four years since Erin, Lynn, Erin's family and I went to Tsu Casa for her 17th birthday...

That night I gave Erin the first of 32 mixes (66hrs:25min:00sec - Equalling 52 cds - 10 Birthday cds alone) and that mix will always stay with me as music that is high school for me. Every time I hear a song from that mix, I think back to how some of the greatest moments of our time together had that particular mix playing in the back ground. To tell the truth, I'm not even sure if she listens to any of the mixes anymore. However, I not only do listen, but I am still inspired by the music from that frist mix, and she was the inspiration to all my mixes (especially those two).

On the way out from the restaraunt, Erin dropped her mom's cell phone (which equals the family cell phone because this was 2001 - pre EVERYBODY-AND-THEIR-FUCKING-BROTHER-HAS-A-CELL-PHONE era) and we spent at least 10 minutes in the parking lot retracing our steps. We actually had the place call her number in hopes of finding it. I don't remember exactly where it turned up (it was either in Erin's purse the whole time or she dropped it in the back seat of their Caddilac), but that night started a trend that has lasted four years. A trend that I thought was going to stop last fall, but seems to have been reborn. A trend that if stopped, would mean a large chunk of my life would be dramaticall different now. So here it is... Mix # 32. Cds 51 & 52...

Happy Birthday, Erin...

-9-

1. Sufjan Stevens - "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, IL"
2. The Boy Least Likely To - "Be Gentle w/ Me"
3. Iron & Wine - "Woman King"
4. Devo - "Gut Feeling"
5. The Killers - "Somebody Told Me"
6. Okkervil River - "Black"
7. Elliott Smith - "Baby Britain"
8. The Go! Team - "Ladyflash"
9. The Jayhawks - "Blue"
10. Beth Orton - "Carmella"
11. Death Cab for Cutie - "Blacking Out the Friction"
12. Final Fatasy - "The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead"
13. Six Organs of Admittance - "Words for Two"
14. Sigur Rós - "Hoppípolla"
15. Tears for Fears - "Head Over Heels"
16. Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surpirse - "Train"
17. Air - "The Vagabond"
18. The Radio Dept. - "Where Damage Isn't Already Done"
19. Death Cab for Cutie - "A Movie Script Ending"
20. Iron & Wine - "Evening on the Ground"
21. Elliott Smith - "Bottle Up and Explode!"
22. Seu Jorge - "Life on Mars?"

-10-

1. Final Fantasy - "This is the Dream of Win & Regine"
2. Iron & Wine - "Freedom Hangs Like Heaven"
3. Dirty on Purpose - "All New Friends"
4. Sigur Rós - "Gong"
5. Okkervil River - "Song of our So-Called Friend"
6. Pearl Jam - "Rearviewmirror"
7. Dismemberment Plan - "Following Through"
8. The Boy Least Likely To - "Paper Cuts"
9. The Go! Team - "Bottle Rocket"
10. The Killers - "Believe Me Natalie"
11. Headlights - "Everbody Needs a Fence to Lean On"
12. Elliott Smith - "Independence Day"
13. Okkervil River - "A King and a Queen"
14. Sifjan Stevens - "They are Night Zombies!! They are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From the Dead!! Ahhhhh!!"
15. The For Carnation - "Moonbeams"
16. Final Fantasy - "Better Than Worse"
17. The Go! Team - "Everyone's a V.I.P. to Someone"
18. Sigur Rós - "Sæglópur"

Happy birthday, Erin... I love you...

Now Playing: Peter Zummo & Arthur Russell - "Song IV"

*Giggles*

Do I enjoy it, or do I freak out and miss out?

-------

IN OTHER NEWS...

Well, I'm thinking I want a bunch of people over at my house on fri-sat the 18th-19th of this month. Parents will be out of town with Katherine on a college tour and it would be nice to be able to just have friends over, get a little nuts and not have to worry about waking people up.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are the shit when it comes to having friends over, but I always feel bad afterwards because I feel like I'm waking them up when they have to get up early the next morning. So, it will be nice to have a good time... Now... I just need them all to come over that day.

Oh, BTW - Looking forward (well, all of them but one) to those pics, Monica!

Now Playing: Stereolab - "Orgiastic"