Being Bi-Polar Can Be Fun!

...

So anyway, I forgot to mention that after paintballing saturday morning, I went to a concert with KC and my brother for Mouse on Mars at some block party thing. I found out about a great band called Macha, witnessed a puppet show about Wesley Willis, and saw another, less-good band with a bunch of 30-year-old highschool wannabes. After the concert, we went to Moses' apartment and hung around until about 3... I was really tired... We were all tired. But we still had some good conversations about garden decor and other assorted tips while Matt and Moses played some tunes.

In other news... I was being tailgated by a giant, black SUV on Harlem Ave. today, and I decided to show him he was being wrong. When I am unnecissarily tailgated at speeds above 30 mph, I will punch my breaks and switch lanes, making sure the person learns to slow down before letting the asshole go ahead to crash into someone else. Let me tell you, that technically, none of this is illegal, especially the fact that I, and not the huge SUVed man, used a turn signal for every lane change. Anyway, at Devon, he finally passed me at an ungodly speed, cut me off and slammed on his breaks as he poked his arm out the window holding... a badge...

Any other day, I might have been very docile and not reacted with such... testicles. But today I could no longer stand the fact that while I am being pulled over for doing nothing wrong, there are people causing accidents and leaving the scene, there are people committing felonies and getting away with them... BUT NO. This asshole has to pick on me and my 13 year-old Camry...

He storms out of his "compensation-for-having-no-penis" car, yelling: "What the fuck are you doing, asshole?!" (Note: while doing all this, he is waving his badge in a very "tough guy" manner) I realize I've had enough and don't care anymore... "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?! I SURE AS HELL AIN'T SPEEDING AND TAILGATING AND CUTTING SOMEONE OFF LIKE AN ASSHOLE!"

Pause...

"Yeah, you did cut me off, you shit." he retorts.

Pause...

"I did nothing wrong, and you don't have the right to pull me over, so can I go? Or are you gonna' arrest me?"

"I should arrest you."

He walks back to his car and I pull away...

...

I... Felt... so fucking RIGHTEOUS. I called my cousin who has been on the force for 15 years and told him about this. I now know that what I did was completely in the right and that he did, infact, have no right to pull me over and that cops who are off duty who do that are called "clowns" and are usually real dicks... According to my cousin. So, to all you who are on the road and have someone flash a badge in an unmarked car, keep going. They have as much right to pull you over as I do. However, if you are feeling adventuresome and vengeful, do pull over, get his badge number, and if he doesn't give that, then take down his liscence plate number.

Now Playing: The Trashmen - "Lucille"

Less Cathartic/More Distracting...

Woke up saturday morning at 7. Went paintballing near Elgin for the first time ever...

...

If there was paintballing any closer, I may now be addicted. It was fucking awesome. If you have the means, you must now go. Despite straining my neck and having an endless array of welts and bruises and muscle aches and other such pains, I can honestly say it was the most fun I've had on a saturday morning since the winter of '01 when I found myself waking up next to the most adorable creation on this earth...

Speaking of... It's not getting better. I don't even try to tell myself that it will anymore, because... well, because its not. Talking to her on the phone is the most maddening process right now. She acts like the most insincere person I know when I talk to her on the phone. She feels the need to end every conversation with a half-hearted "Thanks for calling." Am I a telemarketer to her? What the fuck is this? She isn't treating me like a person, but more of an annoyance she could do without, but because of her friendly disposition, she just keeps me hanging around while I go insane with unfound and preposterous jealousy fueled by my own imagination.

I am just a fucking parasite. If you would meet her and get to know her, there is no doubt in my mind any person would side with her (not that this is a fight or anything of that sort, only that I mean anyone would sympathize more with her while telling me to relax/fuck off). But, yeah, it comes down to me being a parasite. This is not how a person should feel or be treated. But why do I come back for more and continue to annoy her? WTF is the matter with me?

This blog is not cathartic anymore. All it has become is a distraction to me and a hinderance on my becoming mentally and emotionally healthy. This blog just continues to be a fucking safe, non-criticism-based playground for my imagination to run wild... in the worst possible ways.

That's the sign of an unhealthy brain...

Now Playing: Nico - "The Fairest of the Seasons"

Somebody Give Me a Gun...

Friday night... The worst of all nights. Most people are still coming off the high of realizing their week is over and the "fun" is about to begin... Huh... Friday night.

I should not be surprised that as soon as I realized my headaches were gone, they would come back again. As soon as my insignificant fucking brain processes any kind of image of-- nevermind that now. All I can really say is that my head is fucking throbbing right now.

Back to why I started this off with "Friday night...": *More reasons for me to write and then quickly re-read and delete because it is just more pitiful whining* I don't know... I mean, I make myself believe I can smell her in my hands. They're just clamy! I mean, jesus...

*On a side note - I need to get a new sound system for my computer before I go insane. My very, very old Aiwa Stereo (Kinda like this one but mines a little older, not surround sound and less cool looking) is just... old. Theres no other way to put it. The sound comes in and out and I... hate it.*

Sufjan Stevens' "Romulus" is playing right now and it's probably the first time I've listened to the song since singing along to it in my car with Erin last winter break. This is just a beautiful song. Sad, but beautiful. Though it makes me feel sad when I hear it, I cannot help but stop what I'm doing and take the song in. Funny how thats what I can do for a certain person as well... Thinking back to last winter, I remember the absolute joy that filled me during the week leading up to Erin coming home. In retrospect I really can't believe how blind I was. It was blatantly obvious that I was not the part in her life I thought I was but it was all that was keeping me sane. I mean, here we are, almost a year later, and I'm still in awe of what happened. You might say I haven't given myself the chance to move on...

And here I am... Friday night... Thinking of Erin. I never thought I would ever date a girl named Erin. Ofcourse I've dated two, but still, growing up I always thought I'd date a Stephanie or a girl with an uncommon name ending with the letter "a". Nonetheless...

Everything reflects in nothing... Everyone runs into negation...
Quietly undergoing internal negative narrations... Quickly undone, I'm new now...
Every red-blooded, immature notion explains rushing into nervousness...

God damn I need to be a part of something real. Questioning everything has gotten so boring. I want to get back to enjoying the lack of questions...

In other news, I got a part in an upcoming play called "American Daughter." If anybody is free around the beginning of November and would like to see a play at Oakton - go.

Now Playing: Sufjan Stevens - "Romulus"

Distraction.

So from January until the time Erin came home for the summer, I would be very easily distracted in my thoughts during the day. This took a backseat for the most part when me and Erin were, for all intents and purposes, in constant contact. However, now that she is back at school and that many more months removed from "us", the thoughts are beginning to rush back into my head again. It's really unbearable and I'm having trouble concentrating. The good news: this isn't going to be as bad as last time I think... I hope... Why? Because I've recognized it and I also believe that I am at peace with my situation a little more. This appears to be just the sudden reaction to not having Erin around again. But hey, this doesn't mean I've given up... :-) I still see nothing that will in any time soon be able to cover or take the place of Erin's picnic spot on my heart. Her blanket is there to stay as far as I'm concerned...

I spent a half-hour today in the fitting room at work fantacizing about a pair of jeans Erin has had ever since I've known her. With plenty of jeans (w/ the button-fly instead of a zipper) coming in and out of the fitting room, since we were slow today, I let my mind wander. There really is nothing like the human imagination... I was able to close my eyes and feel the tension as I tug at the top of each button for a second until it lets go and my fingers glide to the next one...

Psycho... You psycho!

Now Playing: King Biscuit Time - "I Love You"....... & I do...

I Did Register, Fucker.

Lay off, MattSack.

Now Playing: Four Tet - "Hands"

That Mix I Told You About...

1. Yo La Tengo - Our Way to Fall
2. Colin James Hay - I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You
3. Wilco - Far, Far Away
4. Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You
5. M. Ward - Dead Man
6. Leonard Cohen - Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye
7. Yo La Tengo - Last Days of Disco
8. Serge Gainsbourg - Ballade de Melody Nelson
9. *Tori Amos - Bells for Her*
10. Six Organs of Admittance - This Hand
11. Mogwai - Dial: Revenge
12. Feign - ...
13. Wilco - The Lonely 1
14. Tori Amos - Winter
15. Yo La Tengo - Tears Are in Your Eyes
16. Iron & Wine - Such Great Heights

So, yeah, I was able to do it, and I think it worked alright. There is actually another disc to this mix but it had nothing to do with Tori, so leave me a comment if you want to see the other one. I just had to put that song on something for Erin. There were many a night where I would be trying to fall asleep with it on and the song just wouldn't let me. Too many images of the White Eagle and backrooms with old pianos lined side-by-side...

Oh, yeah, classes started and stuff. The Oaktonians are good (I actually just typed "food" instead of "good"... No relevance... ....... .... Or is there?...) Being in honors is much better so far and my biggest class is only 14 people including my bad self.

Erin is back @ Carleton and though it is not as hard for me this time around, I think its a little harder for Erin. Her whole environment at Carleton has changed and she had some troubles getting used to it so she actually called me and told me she missed me... The problem? Classes haven't even started for her yet. So this feeling is either not long-lasting or it is her clever way to make me feel better about myself... In either case, I am still a pessimistic sunn'bitch.

I do miss her and I was glad to hear from her and frankly glad to hear that her perfect place had some cracks for her after all. That, ofcourse, is all jealousy and resentment for taking my girl and best friend away from me. I assured her (as any good friend would) that if she gave it... oh until the freakin' weekend that she would not only not be feeling this way anymore, but she will once again have very little need for me for a while again.

The sad part... I'm ready for it.

Now Playing: Iron & Wine - "Such Great Heights"