Fell Asleep in the Recliner...

And, shit, does my back hurt.

Anyway. I had a dream last night about this unbelievably adorable girl I work with. We were both closing the store late and we struck up a conversation containing a few laughs. Well, she ended up writing her phone number down, but I refused to take it. Then I was rudely awakened by the phone ringing.

There is a scene in "Amélie" where Audrey Tautou takes the hand of the blind man and leads him on a whirlwind audio tour of the street market. She describes everything in vivid detail. "The band-leader's widow is crossing the street, and she hasn't thrown out his unifrom yet... A man is staring at the dog who is staring at the chickens..." The scene goes by so fast that it gives off the feeling of a child in a huge toy store for the first time as he runs through the aisles gazing at shelf after shelf of toys. Once Amélie lets go of his hand, the man is standing there in his own elation. The smile on his face was enough to put tears in the eyes.

I wish that feeling hadn't left me. There are times when I'll lay down to bed, but I try not to fall asleep because there are thoughts in my head that wish not to wake up. The fact that the mind is a pretty powerful thing scares me. I'm afraid it may happen. Am I happy when I wake up in the morning? Absolutely not. Have I thought about not living anymore? More than anything... But I am not sure if I really want to die yet. Which explains the fear of sleeping all of a sudden.

Nonetheless. I have so many things on my mind (at the top of which is Erin, ofcourse), and the fact that (I don't know how many times I am going to say this) I was cast aside by Erin in the short time she was away is one of the reasons that my brain tells me not to wake up. Everything I do, every laugh I have, everyone I come into contact with... It all leads back to how much pain she is causing me. Did she know this? I mean, did it ever even cross her mind when she was staring googly-eyed at some insignificant fucking guy that I might be hurt? All I can say is that she never gave me a chance and she (for the first time since I've known her) is being a typical fucking girl. Jesus Fucking Christ it hurts to think about her. And yet its occupying so much of my thought that sometimes I don't want to wake up.

Fuck. And she complained when I put some songs from one of her mixes on a mix for someone else. Think how much of me she's going to giving other guys soon... Erin, I don't want to cry anymore... I just want to sleep... And not wake up...

Now Playing: Sufjan Stevens - "Seven Swans"