Honestly?

Despite the fact that my life is quite empty (and not in the "melodramatic, ladder stages of tennagedom" sense, but in the "everyone I love and care for have been gone for over six months now and I feel left behind" sense), I cannot honestly say I didn't expect this leaving high school. But I most certainly didn't expect to be where I am, at a community college where (it seems) I am surrounded by drunken incompitance. Nor did I think I would be thinking back fondly on how much I miss riding the bus in 8 inches of snow, or going to rehearsal in our auditorium, or waking up at 4:00 a.m. for morning baseball practice, or participating in poetry slams, etc... I huess what I miss is the idea of being a part of something that liked being a part of me. I am an outgoing guy, but you wouldn't know it if you met me now, because of my empty feeling.

I was prom king, and the love of my life was prom queen. I was voted best personality. I was captain on four different sports. Now? I haven't spoken a word in the halls at O.C.C. since I got there. I'm the diligent student who sits in the corner, quietly. What can I say? I miss the things I worked so hard to achieve only to see them taken away from me at the most inopportune times...

I guess what I'm saying is that I cannot wait for spring break to come, when the people I go to school with now will all be in Florida trying to not remember their experience or how they got home, and the people I love will once again be here. Not to say they all are this day-and-night about the situation as I am, but all I want is to be wrapped up in the blanket of the past. Just for a while... Until I can figure some things out...

Gladiator.

The last 5 minutes of "Gladiator" are wonderful and beautifully done...

...Too bad the first 2 and a half hours were absolute shit.

Ah yes... Driving back from work.

I totally forgot, but on Saturday, driving south on Harlem, on my way home from work, I was confronted with the grim realization that there is no shield around me that makes me "unkillable." I have always known that I will, eventually, die one day. I still believe my death will either be of natural causes or by design... My OWN design. However, Saturday night gave me a glimpse of how terribly vulnerable we all are, especially behind the wheel.

As I turned on my left turn signal, going about 35 - 37 mph, to enter the left lane, I checked my mirrors and since it was dark, my blindspot as well (my mirrors are untrustworthy once they have gone unwashed for a week or two). It was all clear. I began to ease into the left lane, when for some reason, I checked again... This would prove to be a life saver...

From behind a conversion van about 40 - 50 feet behind my sturdy '91 Toyota Camry, comes this black Volkswagen going about 75 - 80 mph barreling into my new lane and nearly rams me from behind. Luckily, I swerved back into the right lane as the car zoomed by in an instant.

Literally, about a second later, another black car swerved around the van behind me at an even faster speed as it tried to catch up with the VW. Just as it passed me by (going 80 - 85 mph, remember), it nearly rearends the VW and tries to swerve around it into the right lane. Now, I guess they were trying to race, because the VW would have no part of it, and tried to cut it off by swerving into that lane. The other car swerved again and spun out...

Smoke and burning rubber (along with the stench of it) filled the air as I cautiously slowed and eventually passed the other black car who had stopped and blocked off a side-street. Seconds later, in the right lane, coming to a stop at a red light at the Harlem & Howard intersection, on my right, low and behold was the little VW. At the helm, a young boy no older than 17 and as his cargo, four other young eventual high school drop-outs. I rolled down my window to explain to them the type of pain the driver of the VW would be in if had, in fact, hit me. Before I could speak, this moronic, little, perky (and I mean "perky" in the most hateful and demeaning way) blonde sticks her head out the window and confidently, with a smirk and a laugh, asks:

"What's up, man?"

She turned to her friend at the helm and he hit the gas and sped off in the middle of the red light only to stop at the next intersection (Harlem & Milwaukee) about 100 feet ahead, where they proceeded to head southeast on Milwaukee. Later, on Harlem, the other car had caught up to me and cut me off once again, where he proceeded to stop and block traffic as he tried to make a U-turn from the right lane to try and go back north on Harlem...

What a trip.

Once I got my senses back and told the story to my dad, I realized they were two dumb kids who saw each other through their respective windows and decided to have some sort of race down a residential street at ungodly speeds, endangering themselves and everyone around them.

Perhaps this whole ordeal has not taught me that I am vulnerable, but rather supports my original idea that I've had all my life, that I am physically invincible. If I had not felt it necessary to check that "un-necessary" once more, I would probably be very, very injured. I mean very.

Played it.

Ok, I got me an emulator and played to of the games. The two for SNES. It was certainly good. I also picked up a version of NBA Jam which was entertaining as well. Scott Skiles was the shit.

Fiending...

I am absolutely dying to play 3 games right now.

Super Metroid
Mario Kart (original SNES)
and some damn futuristic racing game I rented a couple times when I was in like 8th or 9th grade. (N64)

But ofcourse, my brother has our SNES and I am too damn lazy to get an emulator... Wait a minute... That's a good idea.

Oh! BTW...

Here is the other disc to that mix found in January...

1. The Smiths - How Soon is Now?
2. The Shins - Girl Inform Me
3. Prince - When U Were Mine
4. New Pornographers - The Laws Have Changed
5. Books - Take Time
6. Stereolab - Transona Five
7. Nick Lowe - So It Goes
8. Cleaners From Venus - Girl on a Swing
9. Manitoba - Hendrix With Ko
10. Wire - Eardrum Buzz
11. The Rooks - Music Sound Sensation
12. The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out
13. Ted Leo & The Parmacists - Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone?
14. Stereolab - Ping Pong
15. David Bowie - Life on Mars?
16. Cleaners From Venus - Living With Victoria Grey
17. Books - That Right Ain't Shit
18. Electric Light Orchestra - Mr. Blue Sky
19. Stereolab - I'm Going Out Of My Way

Well...

Valentine's day.... Forgive me if I refrain from jumping up and down for joy. I am basically isolated from everything and everyone at the moment. The day came and went with me talking to none of the ones I give a rat's ass for.

To top it off, my brother is off drinking and I am left to wipe the dust away from my seldom-used blog and tell the world of my wonderous day.

My brother certainly has it good. He is living with the woman he loves and he is lucky enough to be at one of the top universities in his field of engineering with a future. Nevermind all that. Though I am young, and well ahead of my self as far as a breakdown goes, this shady mask of feigning happiness to please those around me is not something I wake up in the morning to with a bright smile. I've just been thirty years old since I was fourteen and now that I've formed some meaningful relationships, they've begun to break down because of it.

So, Valentine's day has come and gone, and while I know not if the woman I love has gotten her flowers or not, I continue to sit and listen to this and it gives me visions of grassy hills that stretch vast with no one but me to sit upon.

11.22 p.m. Thursday.

Ok. Time to feel sad. I am about to got and shovel now... Yep. Six inches, and still snowing, I will now go and die. This is coming after nearly 6 hours of playing ASB 2003 and breaking my own personal record for hits in a game (96).