Spring Break, indeed...

So Erin came in on Tuesday and we spent the day together on Wednesday (St. Patrick's day, for those of you who care). All I can really say is that life.... Well, life is really meaningless all of a sudden. We basically spent the last part of the day on the couch where, for the last three years, we have hung out, cuddled, talked, lauged, loved, etc, etc, etc... And for me, the place where I saw all the difficult and complicated parts of love just fade away and melt into a wonderful smile greeting me as she came down the stairs...

Not anymore.

I spoke of yearning for this break last month on this blog on Feb 28th, and now I can see how blinded I was (and still am) by hope. My ex-girlfriend (My god. That's the first time I've called her that), Erin, came home and we discussed on her couch about how she wants us to be... just. friends. You must understand that in her attempts to make it easy for me, she held off telling me of her feelings (which she had been holding for quite some time, since about mid-way through her first term away at college) until the day after she got back from winter break, and even then, she didn't tell me the whole story, which left me with the hope that once again, when she would come in that she would be swept away by the past (that being the reason she didn't tell me over winter break), and everything would be, though not entirely alright, but somewhat "together". However... she eventually told me that not only does she think we will not be anything more than friends, she has also admitted that there are certain things which we will never share. Some things which had become routine for us, and others which we were planning on sharing with eachother for the first time.

My inner dilemma - I am cursed with being so concerned with Erin's happiness that I've, in the process, driven myself to every "edge" concievable. I have diliberately inflicted pain on myself in many ways. All in order to make her happy. One of which, and the most recent - was agreeing to a friendship. I had originally declined, and basically said that for me, it was the best route to take seeing how that everytime I think of her, I am saddened by the events that have taken place recently. I could only have imagined how it would be if we were to simply hang out, sitting on a couch apart from eachother with me not being able to touch her or even look at her in the way I have come to know and love. But... I accepted because she said she needed me, and even if it is not true (I truly do believe her, though), she is the only close friend I have made that still shows any type (as little as it may be) of concern for me...

I'll be honest... I need a friend. Well, actually what I need is Erin to change her mind, but I think that despite our friendship most likely will drive me insane and only fuel my hopes, I have no other choice if I am to one day be happy with her...

And that... is what is tearing me apart...